Finale

4 Vintage, 4712 公元

We appear to have entered some kind of transition. Locked up for second time for relating suicidal ideation, last Fri realeased Tuesday.

This time was more productive, the Falls facility is much nicer than Buffalo and a number of other made it a teachable moment.

This time, I got to see some of my diagnosis and the process overall was more interesting. The psych MD was an Indian in Buffalo too, and this one a female, had negative reviews both live by the patients in the ward, and at the various online review venues. She (Kaliseelvi Rajendrean) prescribed Respiradol but wasn't insistent about it at all. I believe the diagnosis was just "Psychotic, suicidal ideation". There were all kinds of distortions of things I'd said and some comic stuff like "blatantly denies auditory and visual hallucinations".

I do have to face the fact that I have in fact not had a rational response to the widening distance between myself and any part of human society. I would be addressing this in the next period with the continuing rejuvenation but it's really moot if I don't get work in the next few days.

I'm actually in great health and mood, just apparently wedged as far as the social conditions are concerned. This is also probably more apparent than real, should be a high probability of next paid work starting in that period.

73 8-27 ( 4721 8 月 27 Sun )

The network activity display showed that this page was accessed and I didn remember it so was surprised to see it, pleased to see that a decade on at a new frontier at about same time of year, spent labor day holiday '14 in the ward above which was much nicer than the ECMC setup. Bigger, a really big room of your own, and not crowded, nice food and staff. I rode my bike to the DSS and it was a loss. Even made a friend who was a pot connection for a while.

I did get a job, my last on-site and there was a general financial upturn which actually began even during the episode above which started in the local DSS office from which I was taken to the ward where the worker mentioned above was. The call for the job actually came while I was in the DSS workers cubicle. That then lead to an on-site job in Buffalo that paid $75K and for the next year or so there was also contracting and at the end of it I could take early social security. In both times that the NYS holding statute (CPEP which was the name of the unit at ECMC) was enforced on me, I was in dire straits as far as making ends meet and presented at different social service outlets saying I was suicidal. Actually one time I really was suicidal and was going to do it but a contract came in from Germany which led to the DNS/EPP stuff. That time I woulda and didn go to a social safety net outlet, but the work resolved it.

When contracting petered out I became comfortable adapting to social security so that the next thing to overcome is breaking out of a comfy rut of which the lack of earned income is only factor. The solidification of the social safety net in the form of the forced government pension plan was enough for me and I was quite happy overall a new kind of challenge in a life were previously normally only adversity had to be overcome. It is also a big change to finally force earnings outside wage labor production, go old turkey on wage work.

I guess life is full of such transitions. One I'm experiencing now is 'stop watching cartoons'. Ones I'm having a hard time with are like the Apple Foundation second season episodes which because I can view them pirated I waste time on them when I wouldn if I had to pay. And this is very different from not having the money to pay because even if I had billions I wouldn pay and that would block it but being able to get it for nothing requires asserting that it is garbage and a waste of time more effectively. This particular product is just an example and I really mean to include in it all garbagey or noisy or detriminental culture which ofc is the great and overwhelming bulk of it. Just think about time as money only infinitely more valuable igess.

I have all my life thought the I would die by an act of will and dying like my parents did and most people do succumbing to disease, isn't my plan. I don't wanna go naturally in that sense. But I've been thru a lot in terms of dealing with supposedly fatal health conditions and I think I'm doin pretty good. Took a fairly decent life expectancy calculator answering per my current lifestyle and family health history and it gave me 25 years more. I think that's conservative and that I can reach that age and be in a condition that in prior times no one that age could be.

The work challenge now is vastly different from what it was at this time in '14 but I have a sense that like then I'm at a turning point. The disintegrative phase is giving way to the other thing so maybe update this page in the thirties and see where we land this time. Then I felt wedged but wasn't. Maybe now I feel the opposite but am. Fortunately I'm not entirely a creature of feelings.

blatant

That's really something isn't it? "Blatantly denies having auditory and visual hallucinations"! You can't make stuff like that up, but sounds that way doesn't it? I think what is blatant is a massive failure of a supposed science and profession.

TheDeadGuy

Suicide not successfully executed but transformative is a well worn trope, e.g. in Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance and also in social media. TheDeadGuy was/is a user at everything2.com/user/TheDeadGuy who actually made an attempt at a dinner iirc. Typically in this kind of story, the event is seen as a kind of death. Obviously it's not that for me, just a point of transformation.